40 B Problems, But a Columnist Ain’t One

The columnist pens yet another tongue in cheek offering while poking fun at the foibles of ‘those who would be king.’

Editor’s note: This column is a satire and contains fabricated quotes.

The world spins, but not around you. ~ Jasper Comstock

Citing the stress level of living next to a development chock full of residents over the age of 50 as being detrimental to their wellbeing, a group calling themselves 40 B Or Not To 40 B, has filed a petition with The Town of Norton protesting the construction of the proposed 230-unit affordable apartment complex adjacent to the pseudo-upscale Red Mill Village.

“This is the last thing we need,” said group spokesman Sarah Bellum. “It’s just not fair! We shouldn’t be forced to live in an area teeming with crotchety old men with their pants hiked up to their chests, sporting white bucks with matching belts and bright yellow Lacoste Polo’s. It’ll scare the bejesus out of our kids!”

Adding that postmenopausal women have been known to wreak havoc with anyone within earshot, Ms. Bellum advanced her position, stating, “Hey, I’m no bigot! Some of my best friends are old. Old people are an impotent part of our community. Oh, sorry! I meant to say important – not impotent. Freudian slip! Yeah, what I actually meant to say is that old people are an important part of our community, but who wants to live next door to one of ‘those people’ – never mind an entire development!”

Another woman who chose to remain anonymous stated that she was extremely anxious and fearful about the prospect of living next to Red Mill Village, citing her negative experience with old people while living in a Habitat For Humanity home in an adjoining town.

“The couple next door seemed very nice at first,” she offered, “but after a while things really went downhill. We couldn’t even open our windows because of the odor; you know, the mothballs, Old Spice and Estée Lauder. And then, of course, there was the ‘old people smell’.”

On the other side of the fence, selectwoman Mary Steele apparently feels that the residents of Red Mill Village and the Town of Norton would be the ones getting the short end of the stick if plans for the development were to advance, advising that she feels Norton has a less than stellar history with 40 B developments, while adding, “They scare me,” [it was unclear whether she was referring to the development in general, or the people who would live there]. “They drain public safety and the school system. Why will this be good for Norton and the neighborhood?”

Ah, yes; the old ‘not in my neighborhood’ attitude. It seems we should be past that old bias by now – apparently not!

Make it a great week!

Bob Havey is a freelance writer and a consummate trouble-maker. Check out his author’s page on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/Bobfreelance

About this column: Facetious remarks, tongue-in-cheek comments, sarcasm and a touch of wisdom combined with a bizarre sense of humor are what you can expect in this column on Norton Patch. Related Topics: 403 B, Bob Havey, Norton Patch, Red Mill Village, and the way i see it

Breastfeeding: Much Ado About Suckling

The columnist is once again going for cheap laughs at the expense of others in the debate over breastfeeding. You’d better check this out! You may be one of the ‘others’!

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh. ~ W. H. Auden US (English-born) critic & poet (1907 – 1973)

I was astonished by the voracity and scope of the debate triggered by last Saturday’s Patch article, Where Do You Stand on Breastfeeding in Public?

There were 46 comments posted in the oftentimes heated, sometimes humorous deliberations; a sizeable response by any standards.

In Rantings And Other Despicable Acts In Three Part Harmony, a column I wrote for the Easton Patch in February of last year, I referenced an incident where I witnessed a young woman breastfeeding her baby at Starbuck’s in Easton. It was done in my usual playful, tongue-in-cheek style, but one reader who obviously missed my subtle humor took offense to my feigned shock at witnessing this stirring tribute to La Leche League International while enjoying my Triple Grande Cappuccino.

Amy, the reader who ‘didn’t get it’, responded as follows……………

“The Mass. Gen. Laws Ann. ch. 111 § 221 (2008) allows a mother to breastfeed her child in any public place or establishment or place which is open to and accepts or solicits the patronage of the general public and where the mother and her child may otherwise lawfully be present. The law also specifies that the act of a mother breastfeeding her child shall not be considered lewd, indecent, immoral or unlawful conduct and provides for a civil action by a mother subjected to a violation of this law.

You claim that it’s natural and you’re as open minded as the next guy (“or more so”? I think not!) yet you are ranting about it on a public forum. She was being discreet about it and presumably at no point did any of her breast or nipple show, so what’s it to you? Shame on you for being put out. Did it ever occur to you that she, too was taking a well-deserved break from what had already been a rather hectic day and her baby was hungry? Would you have preferred she do it in the cold car, or the dirty bathroom? Next time you see a nursing mother lawfully feeding her child in public, take your wife’s advice and look away.”

My response to this well-intentioned, yet sadly mislead young lady was……….

“Thank you for your comments, Amy. I appreciate you taking the time.

I’m not sure whether or not you’re a regular reader of my column. If you were, I think you’d understand that much of my ‘style’ is predicated on humor, much of it ‘tongue-in-cheek’.

In reality, I have no problem with breast feeding in public between a consenting adult and a minor under the age of two. Between two consenting adults? Now THAT I would have a problem with.”

I’m exceedingly thankful that Amy didn’t quite grasp the humorous intent of that column. I’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of it over the past year-and-a-half, having referenced it several times in subsequent columns.

For my money, one of the best comments posted to last Saturday’s article came from a reader, Janis, who proudly stated…………

“I breastfed my children and most of my friends did as well.”

I laughed for about five minutes after reading that and, being that it’s my nature to ‘jump on the wagon’, I responded…………

“Janis – most of your friends breastfed your children? The English language is a tricky bugger isn’t it?”

I’m not laughing at you, Janis. I’m laughing with you. But, then again, you may not think it’s all that funny; so I guess I’m laughing at you.

If you’d like updates on the aforementioned article or any other Norton Patch story, simply go to the article you’re interested in and scroll down to the bottom where you’ll see ‘Email me updates about this story’. Then if you’ll just enter your email address and click on ‘Keep me posted,’ you’ll be kept abreast of the situation.

Sorry! Sometimes I just can’t help myself!

Make it a great week!

Bob Havey is a freelance writer and a consummate trouble-maker. His column, The Way I See It, runs every other Wednesday at Norton Patch. Check out his author’s page on Facebook.

About this column: Facetious remarks, tongue-in-cheek comments, sarcasm and a touch of wisdom combined with a bizarre sense of humor are what you can expect in this column on Norton Patch. Related Topics: Bob Havey, Breast Feeding, Breastfeeding, Norton Patch, the view from here, and the way i see it

There Ain’t No Cure For The Summertime Blues!

The columnist has returned from two weeks on the southern coast of Maine with several coolers chock full of seafood. Now let’s see what he’s chock full of!

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say, “What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!” ~ Steven Wright Well, I’m back. Or I guess I should say, we’re back, since I brought my wife home with me. I did my best to leave Maine without her, but she chased me down the road, pulled the door open and jumped in before I could get away. Of course that’s not true; just a small, feeble attempt at humor. In reality, I’m sure she’d much rather have stayed up in Maine.

I packed our SUV for our trip home, arranging and rearranging until, at last, I was able to cram everything in. When I finished there was barely enough room left for us!

Prior to our trip, we’d agreed not to pack everything we own and haul it up to Maine with us, but for some reason, which I believe is just part of the vacation mystique, we ended up with at least 50 percent more junk to haul back home – much of it gifts for our kids, their spouses and our grandkids and of course, a lot of the succulent bounty of the sea.

Speaking of seafood, and lobster in particular, my sister-in-law, Earline, who lives in Virginia, shot me an email after reading my July 18 column, Hangin’ With Larry The Lobster and asked, “So what happened to Larry?” Silly girl, she’s obviously been out of New England too long.

Larry met the fate of all lobsters that have been plucked from Maine’s icy waters. He was steamed and eaten – along with several more of his spiny little friends. I’m guessing I ate about a dozen of the tasty little crustaceans over our two week retreat, including the 18 that we brought home with us. Yup, you heard it right – 18 – eight hard shells, all of which were in the two-pound or above range, and 10 soft shells, each running around a pound-and-a-half. Yum!

We found a great place, Erica’s Seafood [named for the daughter of the owners], located on a commercial fishing wharf in Harpswell where lobsters were selling for $3.50/Lb. for soft shells and $5.00/Lb. for hard shells. Erica’s owners also operate a small seafood shack where we ate many of our meals. Great seafood at amazing prices! And all run by the nicest people you’d ever want to meet – salt of the earth.

We brought home a quart each of the homemade clam and seafood chowder we bought at Erica’s [that’s a half-gallon of chowder for those of you who are measurement-challenged], a pile of steamers freshly dug from the mud flats of Casco Bay and a few home-made Whoopie Pies, one of Maine’s most famous home grown gastronomic treats.

We also managed to procure some first-of-the-season corn at the Farmer’s Market in Brunswick, along with a few pounds of new-potatoes and some sea-salted caramels that we bought at a candy store in downtown Bath. The caramels were for our daughter-in-law, Karre. Apparently those tasty confections are on her ‘cravings’ list – she’s pregnant. Yuh, like that’s an excuse!

Needless to say, we had quite a feast when we got home. No wonder our family was so happy to see us!

So anyway, our vacation has come to an end and I suppose it’s time to get back to writing about more serious issues such as the local EEE threat, the ever-escalating battle over the adventure camp on Phenny’s Island, or something really exciting and provocative like the goings-on at the Water and Sewer Commission.

Yuh, like that’ll ever happen! There’s about as much chance that I’ll write about those things as there is that the last two-pound hard shell lobster sitting in my refrigerator will survive the night.

Talk to you later, I have to melt some butter.

Make it a great week!

Bob Havey is a freelance writer and a consummate trouble-maker. His column, The Way I See It, runs every other Wednesday at Norton Patch. Check out his author’s page on Facebook.

About this column: Facetious remarks, tongue-in-cheek comments, sarcasm and a touch of wisdom combined with a bizarre sense of humor are what you can expect in this column on Norton Patch.